...The Non-Uma Thurman Type

That's right. I have poison ivy. In March.

You may be wondering how on earth that happened. So am I. It's me - I've barely been outside in the last 6 months.

Last Sunday I had one itchy dot on my elbow that I thought was a bug bite. It slowly turned into bigger and itchier patches on both arms. At that point I thought I was having an allergic reaction to something, perhaps the new brand of drier sheets we had started using. When the spots spread further still and were definitely clustering and looking really gross, I went to the doctor thinking I had some tropical disease. She simply gave me a funny look and said it was poison ivy and there was nothing I could do about it. She also suggested that the dog may have gotten into it somewhere and that's how I got it (Note: no one else in my family has it and my mom gets poison ivy at least once a year).

I've had it for over a week and it shows no signs of stopping. New spots are still appearing - I now have them on my arms, legs, stomach and back. To add to the oddity, I even have it on that one part of my back that I can't reach no matter how much I contort my arms and shoulders. It seriously looks like I found a patch of poison ivy and rolled around in it. The doctor did assure me that I'm not contagious, so don't worry.

I had poison ivy once before. I was in 4th or 5th grade and actually had a legitimate excuse - I had been in the woods at a friend's house. I am SOOOOO itchy now and there's no way it was this bad then. If there is one thing I remember in life and love to complain about, it is my personal ailments.

I've used so much calamine lotion in the past few days that I am never going to be able to look at the color pink again. Speaking of which, calamine lotion befuddles me. How is it ALWAYS cold? Wikipedia doesn't tell me, although it does tell me that in 1992 the FDA basically said, "Nothing will ever make you stop itching. SUCKS TO BE YOU!"

So now I wait. In an itchy hell. But then again, it could be worse. I could actually be allergic to a chemical, or worse, a food. That would be terrible.